One of the biggest sources of anxiety for me when Caterpillar was first born was that I wasn’t really enjoying being a mum. I’ve talked before about how this realisation/question literally shattered my brain and sparked anxiety that resulted in a diagnosis of PND. A fairly small thing but it had an enormous impact.
And a big part of this – and something that continues to make me question myself is – do I enjoy playing with my child?
I’ve always loved children, I’ve always longed to have children. I loved cuddling newborns, looking at tiny feet and miniature outfits. I’ve always found young kids and their antics hilarious. But, in all honestly, I’ve never been great at playing with them. I’ve never been the first adult rolling around on the floor playing pretend or building towers from blocks. I’ve never felt particularly natural interacting with other people’s very young kids, I’ve always felt a little awkward. Which is odd because I’m definitely not an introvert, I was apparently extremely loud and boisterous as a child myself and I have a very vivid imagination – often thinking up stories and writing. So why was I never able to translate that imagination into playing pretend with my friends’ kids?
I never thought much about it though and it didn’t discourage me because I assumed with my own children everything would be different.
Caterpillar arrived and I found the newborn stage extremely difficult. I will never know if that was simply because of me or due to my illness but I suspect a bit of both. As I got better I found being a mum easier of course, but I still worried about whether I was any good at playing. I’d expected to want to play with my child more than I would want to do anything else in the world, so when I realised that there were plenty of things I’d rather be doing (watching TV, having a conversation with another adult, sleeping etc) I found this so upsetting. Why did I want anything more from life than just enjoying playing with my baby? The guilt was horrible, and still lingers to a certain extent.
Slowly, I began to find a few things I did like to do, singing being the main one. Singing nursery rhymes to Caterpillar and watching for his reaction became a great bonding activity for us. And reading to him; watching his love of books grow made my heart swell. Finding these two things that I did enjoy, and that I didn’t feel awkward doing, was a huge relief.
As he has grown the need for play and interaction has grown too – and with it my insecurities. I suck at pretending, I’m terrible with cars and trucks. I have literally no idea what to build from a box of Lego (although if I have instructions to follow I love it). I’m not very good at puzzles. If I have to pretend to be a monster or a dinosaur or a witch I feel awkward, especially if other children or – worse – other adults are there, and especially when so many of the adults I know are such naturals at this.
Oddly, I love toys. Adore them. Planning Caterpillar’s Christmas and birthday presents brings me so much happiness. I think because if there is a toy then it’s a focus for our play. I don’t have to be too silly and whacky.
I’ll confess, I get bored. I know I’m not meant to say that and just typing the words makes me flinch with shame but it’s the truth. Sometimes playing is boring. If we are at a gathering with other adults and their kids I’m ecstatic as Caterpillar has other children to play with, and other adults around who are much better at being silly than I am. He is occupied and I can drink a glass of wine and chat about adult things. Does everyone feel this way to some degree? For so long I wondered if it was just me.
These thoughts worried me for such a long time. Until I wrote a list – a list of all the things I do love doing with my son:
- Reading
- Singing
- Building Lego (to the letter of the instruction)
- Playing pretend shops or cooking
- Cuddling
- Tickling
- Baking
- Talking to him, teaching him about the world
- And my absolute favourite – watching him. Watching Caterpillar entertain himself, get lost in his own imagination, completely without my assistance, makes me happier than anything else. Watching him learn something new fills me with pride and happiness.
And you know what? That’s actually a pretty big list. Bigger probably than the things I don’t enjoy. And that list began to stave off the useless guilt and residual anxiety.
Of course, even the things on the list have a very short lifespan for me, before I start craving adult time. A shorter span than many I suspect, but I try not to let that consume me. After all, what is the obsession with constantly playing with your children these days? Aside from family days out and special occasions I struggle to remember a time in my own childhood where my parents sat and dedicated several collective hours to playing with my brother and I, and everyone else I’ve spoken to of my generation says the same. Kids in the 80s and earlier were simply expected to entertain themselves and why is that a bad thing? My parents are fantastic.
Ultimately, what I’ve learnt is to be happy you should focus on doing the things you love to do with your children – whether that be singing, reading, crafting, building or pretending to be a lion – and let go of the guilt you feel about anything you don’t enjoy. It seems they develop their own imagination and playing style regardless of your input anyway, if my son is anything to go by.
Also, everyone is suited to different stages of development. As my son’s language has developed I find that having simple chats with him and teaching him about the world around him, in a fairly adult way I guess – brings so much enjoyment to me. It makes me think I’ll be a much more confident parent to an older child than to a baby or a toddler. Maybe that’s my niche.
Or maybe I’m doing okay right now, just as I am.
What type of player are you? Does make believe come natural? What have you found tricky about interacting with your children?
This post was originally written for The Huffington Post, please feel free to follow me over there by clicking here.
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I LOVE you for writing this. This is something I find myself pondering on a daily basis. I’m not a great player but I do have fun with my son, be it singing, dancing and doing silly things together. I’ll rarely get down on the floor and play with his toys but we do have an awful lot of fun together and that’s what works for me and he enjoys it too. Thank you for writing this, it’s great to know that I’m not the only one who sometimes finds the playing a little bit boring. Dare I say it? #abitofeverything
Thank you for replying! Always nice to know I’m not alone xxx
I am similar with my son. Yesterday my mum’s friend babysat Piglet for a few hours and they made birds out of Duplo. It’s all I can do to stick them all together and make a wall, but you are right-when we were kids there wasn’t the same expectation that parents play with their kids all the time, and we turned out ok (I hope!) Piglet enjoys independent play anyway, and someday he will be independent so he needs those skills just as much as he needs interaction from me.
That’s what I figure too 🙂 Thanks for reading and replying x
My sister went through similar anxieties when she had her kids, so it’s good to read that she wasn’t alone in her doubts. Love the idea of making a list of all the things you love doing with your little one – something I think we should all do in life generally to remind ourselves of the positives. #BloggerClubUK
Absolutely, I use that tool quite often to stay happy and positive. Thanks for reading 🙂
Lovely honest post. I think I genuinely do enjoy playing – but their is a point at which anyone would lose their patience, especially at toddlers are flighty and often don’t want to play exacyly as you envision it. I especially get that with my eldest due to asd. I’d love to pretend but he wants to line things up and repeat certain phrases while looking at the same truck or the same page of a book… over and over and over again. Seriously, yesterday I had to answer the question “What are you Mr Dinosaur?” with “I’m an Argentinasaurus” then “How big are you Mr Argentinasaurus?” and “I’m as big as 3 double decker buses” …. maybe a hundred times. Literally. He asks over and over and you have to say the *exact* answer, not a word out of place, over and over in response. (Epic, sobbing meltdown if you don’t!) So though I think I do enjoy playing, I totally sympathise!
*there. Man I hate that you can’t edit comments with typos!
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Ha ha – me too!
Goodness, that sounds so, so challenging. Thanks so much for reading and sharing your own challenges x
This is a fantastic post, when I had my 1st I hated doing things like making silly noises and worried about whether the things I did with him made me a good mother (whatever that is!) but now I love role playing with him and being a bit of a big kid! I do sometimes find it hard to get him involved in things like painting due my my obsession with things not being too messy but we’re getting around that. Thanks for linking up to the #bestandworst
I guess we all grow into things, don’t we? And find our strengths. Thanks so much for reading and commenting x
Lovely post and so nice that you maake a list of things to do with your son #bestandworst
Thanks 🙂
I love this post! I’m a dram teacher so I love playing with my son in many ways however, surprisingly, i do enjoy some things more than others. Like you I love reading and luckily my son LOVES books. I cannot wait till we can start on the Harry Potter books – a while off yet as he’s only 21mo. I enjoy playing with his mega blocks with him, although I tend to get into building bridges, houses etc more than Mini R! ha ha! Occasionally we will have a wrestle if I’m in the mood too. #BloggerClubUK
Wrestling is one of the things I love actually. Sounds like you do loads of fun things with him 🙂 Thanks for reading x
I play with my kids in my own way. I love to teach them how to cook and I do crafts, coloring, playdough, ect. But, I am not the best about sitting and playing pretend all the time. My secret thing I hate is sitting for hours building an elaborate Lego set only to have one of the kids break it 10 minutes later. And, then they cry and want it fixed. That drives me nuts!
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I LOVE this piece. My son just turned one, and sometimes I struggle finding things to do with him without growing bored. And it is, playing with toys that count to 10 and sing ‘Old McDonald’ can get very boring, very quickly.
Like you, I just adore reading to my son though. And his love for books has exploded. Oddly, he will choose them over just about every single toy he has, and that makes me proud <3
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is: you're not the only one who feels this way. The only one who feels anxiety over the guilt of not playing with your kid every single second. I'm not really sure where it stems from, but I'm so happy to know I'm not alone as well. Thank you for sharing! #StayClassy
My son was the same with books at that age, it’s so lovely isn’t it? Thanks for reading and commenting x
I love this and I totally understand where you are coming from. I’ve not had to do too much playing yet as my son is still so little so singing, tickling and peek-a-boo suffice most of the time! I really love reading to him already though. I think that’s a great list and you sound like a wonderful mum – don’t worry at all. As you say how much did our parents ‘play’ with us?! I mainly remember doing lots of imaginary play (as they call it these days!) on my own. #StayClassy
Me too! Thanks for reading and your kind words x
I remember feeling this way when my daughter was this way. Now she is older – almost three…I far more enjoy our play together now that we can do more, and use our imaginations more! Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub lovely x
It’s definitely getting easier as T is getting older. Thanks for reading 🙂
I also love reading, singing and baking. Play to your strengths. (Well, perhaps baking isn’t a strength of mine, but I love it anyway). Playing doesn’t have to be with toys. I talk a lot with my kids, we make up silly rhymes, sayings and stories. Their favourite thing is when their Dad tells them the amended story of the 3 little pigs. We’ve got a streak of ASD in our family and son #1 has the biggest difficulties, but the way he learns to play is through stories as they give him ideas and prompts. What works for him works for son#2 as well and we muddle on through. Stick with what you enjoy and just chuck something new in every now and again xxx
#StayClassy
Fantastic advice! And you’re absolutely right, play doesn’t have to mean toys. Thanks for reading and commenting x
Wonderful post, so honest and true. I don’t think it’s just you, I think all parents get bored playing with their children. Society today expects parents to be waiting on hand and foot with their children, but I think we should start taking a more relaxed approach because as you’ve said, it’s good for children to learn on their own. If we are helping them every step of the way how are they ever going to feel confident to do anything on their own? Thanks so much for linking up with #StayClassy!
Thanks for your lovely response and reassurance 🙂 Completely agree x
I don’t think this is uncommon at all. As you say, everyone is suited to different things & different stages of development more than others. I have never actually believed that liking children, loving your own child, etc automatically makes people enjoy or be comfortable with this type of play and interaction with small children. I think that’s actually more a personality thing that just is how it is. &, in that sense, I don’t think it matters either. Some people are naturally suited to that sort of thing, others aren’t, and neither is connected to being a good parent. That can not be your thing & you still be a great parent in all the ways that really matter. Equally, people can be good at that stuff but not actually well suited to parenting.
I, funnily enough, can only do these things with children – I can do the imaginative play, silly role plays, voices, ridiculous behaviour in public for children. But I am crippling shy with adults, and I cannot do any kind of acting, performing, etc in any other context. & I don’t get bored of children’s company easily, or crave adult company much. BUT I can still assure you that, yes, there is a extent to which even the people who do enjoy these things feel elements of what you do. Yes, it can get boring. Small children are extremely repetitive. They want to do the same thing over & over, they want to do it when you want to do something else, & I don’t think anyone is completely immune to feeling that.
I think you’re completely right – this is not something to worry about or let bother you. You love doing plenty of things with your son, you love your son, and you are a good mother. It really doesn’t matter if you don’t like to pretend to be a cabbage (yes, I really have) – I don’t like to bake. Everyone has their things! #coolmumclub
Thank you so much for your lovely, thoughtful comment. Actually brought happy tears to my eyes and made me feel so much better x
A really lovely and honest post. You sound fine!:) I often think that I’m pants at being a mum because there are times that I just don’t want to sit and play or have people constantly around me. I recently came off of my personal facebook account because I couldn’t bear seeing perfect mums doing all these amazing things with their kids and shouting about it, I just dont get it. I do loads and we have good fun but there are times that I just don’t fancy it. I’ve come to terms with it now:) x
#picknmix
Good for you! And we must remember FB is just a tiny snapshot, not reality. Thanks for reading x
I think we all have our strengths as parents. Certain kind of play can be unfun for me too. I love reading to my kids & explaining about the world too. Board games are also a big favorite of ours. I play imaginative games with them & other kind of play but I don’t enjoy it as much. Thanks so much for joining us at #bloggerclubuk
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Thanks for reading and your kind words x
At the moment I’m happy to play with them and often get lost in building something complicated only for them to happily smash it into tiny pieces.
For now our interests are similar but I know they will grow to like activities I loathe or have no experience. I’ve queued the godfathers for the task of teaching my children about sport and football but I will try and learn a bit too if it’s something they enjoy.
Like a lot of people here playing make believe doesn’t always come naturally (not a fan of roleplay as a concept) but I push past it as best I can working on the basis if I do it without looking like I care then I won’t come across as awkward as I may feel.
#StayClassy
#BestandWorst
#BloggerClubUK
I hadn’t even thought about sport lol! Gonna leave that to Hubs I think. Thanks for reading 🙂 X
What a lovely honest post one that i think most mums and dads will relate too. I found cars and things hard with the boys and my enthusiasm will only last a few minutes into any roleplay before I start getting bored. I like doing crafty things, baking and singing and playing outside. Thanks for linking to #PicknMix
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Sounds v similar to me. Thanks for reading and commenting x
I totally get this hun, I’m not much of a player either. My two loved to play games and I always felt awkward and uncomfortable. Now that they’re older I’m finding it much more pleasant to be their mum because I can teach them real things. I can teach them about the world around them, about space, it’s just so lovely to see their eyes light up when they’re learning.
I think you’re doing great, just as you are. xx
#coolmumclub
Thanks so much for your kind words x
Brilliant post! A lot of what you say resonates with me but what struck me -before you even bulleted your list of enjoyable things – was how you put yourself down at the start yet all I could see was the great mum you’re being by reading to him, singing nursery rhymes and basically embracing what comes naturally to you instead of shoe-horning in the activities the baby books say we should do! At the end of the day, love is the most important thing. They get a variety of different types of interaction by meeting different people, going to play groups etc and then there’s CBeebies or Peppa Pig, the sanity savers! If we all raised our kids in the same way, we’d raise a bunch of drones. Embrace your awkwardness and enjoy the wine! 🙂
Thanks so much for your lovely, kind words. Means so much to me – being confident as a mum is always tricky for me despite being quite confident in other areas of my life. Thanks for your lovely words x
Oh you’ve completely described me! I struggle to play for all the reasons you’ve listed, and then feel guilty about it. I feel like part of me wants to just be me rather than play all the time, if that makes any sense. This is a great post, thanks for being so honest xxx
This really made me think about my time with my little one. I very often leave her to play independently and observe her as her play mainly consists of banging things and carrying things around. I love setting up her toys though and watching what she engages with. If it’s a new toy I love showing her how it works but I also love how independent she is. I love you point of playing with them and sharing something you enjoy as they will be able to see how much pleasure you take in it.
Brilliant post! You’re not alone. I am rubbish and berate myself so much for it. Actually though, we do loads of other stuff. I do crave adult time a lot and probably more alone time. Then I feel guilty about that too! I hate getting down on the floor to play! There, I said it! Thanks for sharing this.
I also found playing with my children not that much fun, however, what I do enjoy is organising things and making them neat and tidy. So when for example my son wanted to play Lego, I’d sit on the floor with him and empty out the container with all the pieces, then I’d sort them by colour, shape and size. This made it easier for him to find what he needed and still kept me involved. I now do the same with my little granddaughter. When she wants to do crafts, I will help keep all the materials organised, wash paintbushes, and glue brushes, help her locate stickers, sequins, etc. she wants to use and so forth. Really all children want is your attention and company. you don’t need to necessarily play, just so long as you are with them and engaged, that’s enough.
Until meeting my stepkids, I had never been around small children in my whole life. I didn’t grow up with younger siblings or cousins or nieces and nephews, so kids were totally alien to me. That said, playing with my girls sort of came naturally to me. I’m an imaginative person by nature, but I totally get what you mean about playing being boring sometimes. They would play with me for hours and hours on end if I let them, and while I really enjoy playing with my girls and sharing that part of their lives, sometimes I have to step back and encourage them to just play with each other while I watch.
This is the third or fourth time I’ve read this post as it always makes me feel like I’m doing alright with my son. Thank you so much for such a brilliant, honest account of what it feels like to play with the little ones. I am going to write a list myself of activities I love to do with him – play dough, painting, dancing, pretend cooking, and just sitting on the floor watching him play with cars. I’ll leave the dinosaur roaring to my husband! It’s nice to know that it’s ok to not love everything your child loves to do. Hope you’re doing well with the new little one xx
So glad the post brings you some comfort x