For the last two years my Christmas wish for my family has been the same – to bring a new a baby into the fold. After recovering from PND and finally finding the courage to try for a second child two years ago our journey hasn’t been smooth. A miscarriage, 18 months trying to conceive and an Anxiety recurrence later we’re still in the exact same place we were during December 2015.
Or are we?
My son wants a sibling and we want to give him one, badly. Sometimes that pain cuts like a knife and I have to pause to catch my breath and cry a little. But as the months tick by, and the chances of us having another baby seem to get smaller and smaller, a sense of strange peace seems to be coming oddly closer.
Hopefully we will get some answers in 2018, and if we don’t we will still make a tricky decision I think. One way or another this situation will get closer to being resolved in the coming year and, difficult as it feels, there is a certain amount of comfort in that.
So instead of wishing for a baby in 2018 I’m going to wish for other things:
Most importantly I want us all to stay physically and mentally well. I hope not to face the battle I faced early this year but, if I do, I wish for the strength to do what I know works and recover quickly.
I want my son to continue to flourish in school, and in life, and for Hubs and I to grow and change with him. I want us to continue to be grateful for everything we have and find the strength to not dwell on what we don’t.
Peace In The Present
I wish to continue to find peace in mindfulness and in living in and appreciating the present moment – as opposed to fretting over everything that is unknowable in the future.
By this time next year there could still be a big question mark over our family but I wish for some resolution at least. Some answers received and some decisions made – whether that be the adventure we always planned, a new kind of adventure we’re currently considering or simply acceptance of what already is.
Wishing is hard for people who struggle with Anxiety because wishing implies a certain future that simply must go a certain way, and any feelings about the future are not an Anxiety sufferer’s friend. So mostly I just wish this – to continue to enjoy where I am right now.
I hope all your 2018 wishes come true.