Welcome back to the My Mountain series – where guest bloggers share their biggest parenting challenges and how they face them. Today we have Toni joining us from Becoming Schultz, bravely sharing her story…
Anyone who has had a miscarriage knows the pain that causes. It is unexplainable the love you have for that little human and then in a few short weeks it is ripped away from you. It is unexpected and heartbreaking.
I have had two miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy in the span of 2 years, and after many test and then many more I got no answers as to why these losses kept happening.
But in 2015 when I saw that plus sign on a test I was thrilled and at the same time cautious and scared. I was fearful of every doctor appointment, was today the day he would touch my arm and say “Toni, I am so sorry but there is no heartbeat”. Was I going to have to have yet another D&C, but when we did that ultrasound and I saw that little baby bouncing around and the flicker of a heartbeat was given hope.
Hope that would last until my next appointment when the fear would set in yet again, but when I made it to 16 weeks and everything was looking great I was finally relaxed enough to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy.
I was unfortunately dealt the hand of gestational diabetes and had extra monitoring and was induced at 40 weeks so the baby wasn’t able to grow too big. So after a 36 hour induction I ended up with an emergency c-section and due to my babies state I didn’t get to see her nor touch her for hours.
Once everything was clear and I got to snuggle that sweet baby and nurse her for the first time my love grew more then I knew it could. I soon realized I wanted no one to touch her, I wanted to do everything for her and I felt cheated if I didn’t get to do it.
Did I share these feelings? No, I thought they would pass. I thought no would understand or that I was just a little crazy. I started having more thoughts about how much I missed out on with my other children. I felt I should know what this is like, I could have done this three times already. Why was I cheated of this experience?
By the time my baby was four months old these feelings and thoughts consumed my day. All I did was cuddle and I hoovered over anyone who touched her. It was such a powerful maternal instinct and I couldn’t control it.
After some reading on postpartum depression I realized some of these feelings were probably caused by it. My previous miscarriages, gestational diabetes, c-section, and not to mention not seeing her for hours all fueled this depression.
I then felt wait I lost three babies I can’t be depressed? I can’t not be happy? I need to enjoy this because I didn’t get to before, and I might not get to do it again. But that didn’t stop me from having these feelings. I felt angry with everyone and sad at the same time. I was so overwhelmed I didn’t know what to think anymore, but still I hid in silence. I mean what would people say if I said I was depressed after my rainbow baby. What would they think of me as a mother? Did it make me a bad person, or mom? Did I not deserve to have this baby?
I struggled with so much in silence, and then one day I had a meltdown. I just couldn’t do it anymore, and I needed help.
I grew up in a household with a depressed mom and before she got help it was not a fun house to live in and I knew I didn’t want that for my child. I reached out and talked to my doctor and I got some Zofran which is safe while breastfeeding and that was important to me.
In just a few short weeks I was starting to feel more like my happy giggly self. I was able to enjoy my baby while allowing others to enjoy her too.
I wish someone would have told me that a miscarriage is hard, but the rainbow baby was even harder. I knew what I was missing and suddenly that loss was even harder for me. I felt alone, no one told me so did no one else feel this way? Why was I feeling this way!
I want you to know you are not alone! And I am always available to talk.
Hi Toni here, and I am the mom behind Becoming Schultz blog. I have been blogging for just a few short months and I am loving it. I have been a stay at home mom for 3 years now and I have a 2.5 year old and 11 month old girls. I am 27 and have never really had a career or passion beyond being a mom. I love being able to stay home and I am hopeful that this blog will help keep me home for years to come. I am an open book and I am beyond willing to share the rough days along with the good days.
Do you have a parenting struggle or challenge you’d like to write about? If you’re interested in contributing to the My Mountain series please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.