“Then he nibbled a hole in the cocoon, pushed his way out and…he was a beautiful butterfly!” Eric Carle, The Very Hungry Caterpillar
One of the greatest transformations in nature is that of the caterpillar to the butterfly, a true miracle and something that has fascinated children in science class for generations.
The greatest transformation in a human life has to be becoming a parent. The person I was before my son was born two years ago feels fuzzy in my memory, the emotional impact of becoming a mum violently renovated my psyche and left me permanently altered.
I’m still me, of course, I still look the same and enjoy the same things. I still love good food and reading and watching The Walking Dead with the hubs. But the way I feel about the world has changed. The way I view things and the way my mind works. My emotions are sharper, stronger and fly from one extreme to another with unnerving frequency.
I have absolutely no way of knowing how much of this change is due simply to becoming a parent, and how much is because of Postnatal Depression. For a really long time I’ve tried to figure this out as it felt vital for my emotional wellbeing, but in recent months I’ve attempted to accept that I’m never going to know, and more than that, it simply doesn’t matter.
I am a changed woman and I’m trying to be fine with that. A butterfly can never go back to being a caterpillar and it would be exhausting and futile to try. So, for now, I want to let go of the past and spread my new wings.