The Evolution of the Post Baby Relationship


There are so many things I’ve struggled to adjust to since becoming a parent – managing my frustration, dealing with tiredness, learning some patience (disclaimer: I haven’t cracked any of these yet!) and riding the rollercoaster of extreme emotions. But one of the most difficult factors is accepting the changes in your relationship with your husband or partner.

I don’t think Hubs and I even realised how easy we had it until after we had Caterpillar. I remember the strange feeling of missing him during the first weeks and months – even though he was right there with me – simply because our quality time alone together had all but disappeared.

Of course, you adjust and things become easier as your child grows. You find your new dynamic as a family but I don’t think your relationship is ever quite the same. In some ways it suffers and it’s a struggle but in other ways it becomes stronger and more beautiful.


Before having a baby you slept peacefully and blissfully in each others arms almost every night.  Nowadays, to quote my favourite Michael McIntyre moment, you don’t say ‘goodnight’ anymore you say ‘good luck’! As you have no idea how rough your sleep is going to be and how many times you’ll be disturbed in any given night.

What helps?

Sleep deprivation is so incredibly difficult and it can really make you snappy and irritable, and the person you’re most likely to take this out on is your other half. Hubs and I have had many a night where we have snapped at each other in the early hours but I think the best way to deal with this is to have a what-goes-at-night-stays-at-night attitude. Frankly, we’re usually too exhausted to even remember the bickering by morning!

Also, if possible, couples need to share the workload at night – if one partner is dealing with all the feeds, toilet trips, sickness and general nighttime crying-for-no-apparent-reason this will clearly lead to resentment.


Hubs and I have had a joint account since we began living together 10 years ago for household bills and the like, however we still had separate accounts, used to buy personal stuff and treats for ourselves. When I switched to working part-time after having Caterpillar it made more sense to just consolidate everything into one pot. This is hard. Not having your own money to spend as you like can be a tricky adjustment. Unlike previous generations, we women are used to being completely financially independent so the sudden shift can knock you sideways.

What helps?

Be as fair as possible and discuss any big purchases with each other first. If you can afford it, maybe agree a certain amount each month that you can simply go and spend on yourselves, on whatever you please, no questions asked. Hubs is much more sensible with money than I am so this is something I still really have to work on.


I feel like I have no right to even talk about this since I am so lazy with cleaning and always have been. I’m ashamed to admit that Hubs does the lion’s share although I like to hope I’m a little better these days than I used to be.

What helps?

Share out the work as evenly as possible. Accept that you’re simply not going to keep the house as neat as you used to. Tackle it together – we tend to have at least one Sunday a month dedicated to cleaning, not my favourite day I can tell you but a necessary evil, and it does feel like you’ve achieved something by the end of the day. Most importantly, talk about it. Bottling up resentments about housework is not good for either of you, and neither is nagging and nit-picking.


Before baby you were free to do it as and when you pleased, now it has to be a little quicker, a little more organised and your energy levels are bound to be lower! Between sleep deprivation and dealing with parenting an unruly toddler (or more!) it’s unsurprising that lots of couples struggle to find the energy for sex.

What helps?

Talk to each other.  Hubs and I try to be as honest as possible about wanting more or less sex, that way if one party doesn’t feel – ahem – satisfied with the current situation then you’re not quietly seething and building resentment. Make sure you still make time for physical affection and spend some time together without the kids. Leading to…

Quality time together

Losing a large portion of this is easily the hardest thing for me. Hubs and I weren’t exactly party animals for a few years before Caterpillar arrived but we certainly enjoyed plenty of meals, drinks, parties etc most weekends. We’re also huge film lovers and used to go to the cinema most weeks too. We miss those frequent dinners and cinema dates a lot.

What helps?

Use babysitters wherever you can. We are so lucky to have plenty of family nearby and we take advantage of date nights every couple of months and try to have one weekend away a year for special occasions too. Now that Caterpillar is that little bit older he can stay at Nanny and Grandad’s overnight which helps for the occasions when heavy drinking may be involved!

We used the crèche on holiday last year, just for two 2-hour sessions, but it helped loads as reminded us of our holidays from the old days.

When you are at home try to make time to have fun as a couple, keep laughing, and talk about stuff not related to the kids. We definitely need to get better at this as we tend to be too tired of an evening for much decent conversation but we try!

I suppose the biggest shift in our marriage is that we have gone from being a couple to being a team, and we have a pretty good parenting system going (until the next phase means we’re all thrown off again but anyway!) Most importantly, just keep talking; communication is so key to keeping that team working and fun.

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42 comments on “The Evolution of the Post Baby Relationship

  1. This is great. My relationship has changed beyond recognition since having my son a couple of years ago. In some ways for the better in other ways not so. I’ve adjusted to the change now and we make it work as best we can! #bestandworst

  2. Your last sentence really summed it up for me – I really do feel that we are a solid team now and that means communicating all the time to make sure that team is operating as smoothly as possible. It’s hard, but it does seem to get easier as time goes on (or as we start to get that bit more sleep perhaps!)

  3. All couples who are just about to have a baby should read. I agree totally about making sure things are shared. I am another one who actually does less housework than my husband! But I do other things, like managing all the bills and money, which he hates. Great post 🙂 #BloggerClubUK

  4. Love this post as it all rings very true to me but like you say the lovely thing is that you are more of a team, even if sometimes you can feel like a team that is under constant attack! I am writing this feeling very sleep deprived at the moment and I think that in itself can take its toll on a relationship. Also like you we have now gone to joint bank account as I am a stay at home Mum and that I have really struggled with as I miss having my “own” money. It’s an adjustment but I feel very lucky to be part of a team 🙂 #bloggersclubuk

    1. It is fun to be part of a team with my hubs, although yes definitely a few attacks from T! The money stuff is hard but you adjust just like everything else I guess. Thanks for reading and commenting x

  5. Oh yes! Can relate to all of this. It is hard for both partners to adjust to the fact that they are each slightly lower in the pecking order now, but there is something lovely about the ‘team’ feeling too. I also find (even now that my children are 6 and 3) that it is tricky to fit in to the ‘role’. For instance, my husband goes to work but also does quite a lot of chores like shopping, laundry and vacuuming etc (I too am lazy and uninspired when it comes to housework), but I do almost all of the child care. I feel guilty for not being the total house wife/domestic goddess! And of course, there is a massive sense of inequality when you have NO income of your own and that can breed resentment and frustration if we are not careful. So yes, communication is the key to keeping the team motivated and running smoothly! Great post, thanks for sharing.

  6. So agree with all these points. YOu have to talk and have kind of a “plan” in place for night bickering, nights out and sex and at least you know where you stand. Also just chilling together and cuddling is nice. I never fell asleep in my husband’s arms prior to a baby…lol. I love my space toooo much!! Thanks for linking with #bestandworst x

  7. Great post. There are a lot of things here that have given me food for thought. It’s easy to fall into the trap of being the woman, at home with the baby all day that you take on more responsibilities, but I think some balance is required. Claire x #BloggerClubUK

    1. I know what you mean I tried to do it all myself at first but I realised that just wasn’t viable and wasn’t good for me and I’m v fortunate that my husband is very hands on. Balance is so important. Thanks for commenting x

  8. This is all so true! I remember bursting into tears a few weeks after DT was born, and saying ‘I just miss you so much’ to my husband. We had been ridiculously close, and hated spending time apart, and we both struggled so much with this little person being in the middle of that. We were both mourning our old life and relationship, and it has taken us years, not just months, to adjust. I think this is such an important subject to touch on.

  9. Some great advice here. Love that Michael McIntyre sketch too it’s so spot on! We take turns to sleep on the bedroom door side (deal with the kids) and the other does the early waker…helps us survive the sleep deprivation! (Helps that the hubby is a Star!)
    x Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub

  10. All so true. I love that Michael McIntyre line too, haha!

    I’m looking forward to our first night away at the moment. Just need to find the nerve to book it up… Eek! X

  11. Well summed up! Think I can relate to all of this, monkey is now 3.5 and we’ve almost ironed out all the creases although it’s all going up in the air again come May with the arrival of our second! Thank you for joining us at #BloggerClubUK hope to see you again next week X

  12. Excellent list of tips and such a comprehensive post on what a new addition does to a family! We’re in the same boat with finances, we now only have shared accounts and it’s really hard when I have to be the ‘bad guy’ all the time because I do all the bill payments and know what we need to have aside. I find the housework to be less stressful now than before though. When we were both working full time I definitely resented having to take care of everything around the house myself, but now that he works and I stay home it just makes more sense 🙂

  13. Great post, and so true it really does change a relationship at first as sleep deprivation affects everything! So important to make time just for the two of you and share the jobs. Thanks for linking up to #PickNMix

    Stevie x

  14. Such a great post, I couldn’t have put it better. My relationship has changed so much since have a baby. I never thought our relationship could lack passion as there was plenty of it before. Before baby, our relationship was easy, but now its hard work and effort!

    1. Exactly, it just shows you how easy it was before doesn’t it lol! It is hard work although I do love how I love him more when I see him with T which is nice. Thank you for reading and commenting x

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