I started this blog as someone who considered herself to be recovered, or mostly recovered (depending on the day!) in order to offer hope to others in the thick of PND. I hope I can still offer hope after being completely honest about why I haven’t posted during the last few weeks.

One night four weeks ago I couldn’t sleep. I don’t know if it was fate punishing me for writing my previous post on insomnia or just one of those things, but I couldn’t sleep for an entire night and I panicked. And that panic led to an anxiety-filled following day. And I allowed that anxiety take hold of me, I gave it power, I had forgotten to use some of the CBT I preach about and it grew and grew. I felt out of control with it for a while. 

But I took action. I began Zopiclone again to help restore my sleep. I visited my doctor and I visited my therapist and I even decided to go back on antidepressants – in truth, the latter may not have been necessary but in my highly anxious state I made a decision and I’m sticking with it for now.

Strangely, I thought I remembered what that level of anxiety felt like. That’s why I write about it after all. But this recent setback/low spell/bout of anxiety – whatever you want to call it – has reminded me that until you are in it again the memory has faded considerably. Which, frankly, is a good thing and a way for our minds to protect us I think.

I’m a little better now. The last few days felt like a turning point, I’ve learnt how to keep it under control again I think, but I have no doubt bad days are still to come so my future posts are currently uncertain (although I do have two already written from before this began).

Awful as the last few weeks have been, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t dealing with a lot of anger, resentment and fear for the future right now, I feel – as always – that I’ve learnt something too. I’ve learnt that anger and resentment only fuels anxiety and positivity is something I really need to work on. I’ve been reminded how important self-care is. I’ve realised that the sheer knowledge that I overcame anxiety before has an incredible amount of power when trying to overcome it again. I’ve come a little way into accepting that managing anxiety may be something I always have to work on, but that it does (and will again) get easier to do so. I’m having a refresher on techniques that I first learnt two years ago and I’m reinforcing them with new ones too. I’m stronger I think.

The most key realisation I’ve had this time is being able to see and create distance between the anxiety and how I feel about my life and – vitally – my son. My son only exaggerated my fears first time around but now he is the antidote. I can see anxiety for what it is – an awful excess of adrenaline that plays tricks on your mind and manipulates your body – and it is also a liar. A big fat liar. Who tells me I don’t love my son or my family or my life – and this time, even in the worst moments, I knew deep down that I do love all those things deeply and the anxiety is an entirely separate entity. An entity that, with a lot of hard work, can be brought back under control. And that’s what I’m working on right now. Here is where I am.

8 comments on “Setback

  1. I love this blog- so true so honest – what a debilitating bitch anxiety can be, seemingly at any time, to anyone. We are in it together those of us that get struck down by it when we least expect. Thanks xx

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