The present is a gift


If you’ve read my other posts or follow me on Twitter you’ll know I’ve always been a planner, possibly to the point of obsession. My whole life has been about goals; everything I’ve done has been about working towards something else. Achieving something.

Very soon after I met Hubs we knew it was forever. We had all the important things mapped out: save up, get a flat, save up some more, get married, get a house, have a baby. It didn’t feel remotely abnormal at the time, just sensible – it’s good to plan for the future, right? However, in hindsight, I think it’s true to say I spent so long thinking about where we were going I almost never stopped to consider where we already were.

Truth be told, I never thought much about what happens after, about when we have the house and the baby. It was just a vague fairy tale time filled with laughter, happiness and contentment. How could I not be ecstatic once I have everything I ever dreamed of?

I hold this unbalanced expectation, this conditioning in my brain to only think of the future, as one of the primary causes of my PND. After all, for someone obsessed with achieving what is left once the goal has been reached? Especially if that goal doesn’t feel the way you expected it to feel. For someone who has spent years living for the future it’s quite a shock when, suddenly, all you have to grip onto is now.

I’ve changed. Everybody changes when they become a parent of course, but I feel like a whole part of my being is shifting. My new perspective is almost unrecognisable when held up against the old me. Change like that is frightening, but it has to happen. I’ve had no choice – intense anxiety robs you of the ability to consider the future, as for an anxious mind the mere suggestion of the future can be hell. Nostalgia for the past doesn’t help much either – thinking about all I have lost (my sanity, my happiness, my inner calm to name a few!) can be heart breaking. So I’ve been forced to consider another option; the present. How about I forget the past, surrender my worries about the future and just live for right now?

This is hard. It takes practice and discipline to alter the well-trodden path that your mind is used to taking. But I’m learning and my ability to live in the present moment brings me more peace than any medication ever could.

When you are feeling anxious or low being present is very difficult so, instead, I focus on practicing it during the times I feel good. I focus on something small, I take a deep breath and I manage to centre and still my mind into that moment. I remind myself that in that precise moment, I am fine. Maybe I won’t be fine in ten minutes or two days but right now I am. And it gives me faith to believe I will be again.

Best of Worst

12 comments on “The present is a gift

  1. You could have been writing this about me. I can totally relate to over planning and life not living up to expectations. So glad you have found ways to live in the present moment. Love to you x

  2. I definitely need to engage a little in the present, instead of always trying to be doing things on the never ending list in my head. In fact, no time like the present….iPad going away, going to go and play with my girls. Thank you x #bestandworst

  3. It sounds like you are heading in the right direction and focusing on the present which is ace. Thanks as always for linking such a personal post up to the #bestandworst I really like reading your posts. 🙂

  4. Relate!!! Although i am medicated, just the other day a friend said, “Don’t think about the past. Don’t think about the future. Thin about now.” Of course now I’m anxious that I’m not focusing enough on the now lol
    I think posts like this serve to enlighten people to the very real struggles our minds go through.

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