It’s me, it’s Mummy. Can I call myself that? Am I still your mother when you were never quite a person?
When does life begin? At the moment a cell is created? The moment a heartbeat bursts into life? Or is it not until the day you breathe earth’s air for the very first time?
Who knows? Except I know. You were someone. You were someone to me.
It took me a long time to find the courage to be ready for you. But I was ready, I think. I was ready to choose your name and hold you close. I was ready to face the unique agony of sleepless nights. I was ready to have a better birth and see your face and kiss your skin. I was ready to introduce you to a family who already loved you, to a big brother desperate to take care of you.
But I guess you weren’t quite ready.
In only a few short weeks I had pictured you a thousand times, in a thousand different ways. I’d wondered about your personality. I’d window-shopped clothes for you and imagined feeling you move.
But more than that. I had visualised you growing up beside your brother, completing our family and filling our hearts. I had tentatively allowed myself to consider the possibility that you might heal some of the hurt from my first early days of motherhood.
I had tried to hold back this runaway train of imagination. I had tried to be realistic and cautious. But how it that possible? When a tiny new life flickers inside how can you help but watch that life unfold?
When you left you took that vision of future with you, at least for now. But worse, you took you with you. Now we’ll never know. Were you a boy or a girl? Were you dark-haired or blonde? Were you confident like your brother or shy and reserved? What kind of life would you have had? Were you sick, broken or in pain? Was it you or me? We’ll never know.
All I have is one picture of you, taken from the inside. One test that proved you existed, at least for a while. And a few weeks of thoughts that seem less real with every passing day.
I miss someone I never even knew.
What makes someone, someone? Where do our souls come from and when do we receive them? On the inside or outside? Do I still get to meet yours in this life, are you waiting for another chance? Or are you gone now – drifting away on a peaceful breeze?
I am full of questions now, you see. But one will remain unanswered, and the pain of it will live in my heart forever, beside my almost-memory of you.
To find out more about Baby Loss Awareness Week (9-15th Oct) visit The Miscarriage Association.
22 comments on “Dear Someone”
This is so beautiful and full of emotion. We will always be a Mummy to the babies we didn’t get the chance to meet, they were ours for however short a time and they will be ours always. Thank you as always for raising awareness of baby loss, it’s so important to keep talking about it. #PoCoLo
five little doves recently posted…Autumn Adventures
Thanks so much, your words mean a lot. It’s a really important topic to raise awareness of xx
Oh this is so beautifully written, I feel so emotional for you and sending you so much love. You will always be a Mummy even if you didn’t get to meet – I think it’s so important that we talk about this too xxx #pocolo
Bridie By The Sea recently posted…VLOG: Emma’s Sleep Routine, 17 months
Thank you for your sweet words. I’m so incredibly grateful for my son as this heartbreak must be all the worse when you don’t have other children. But I still mourn that missing one. Thanks for reading xx
goodness, why indeed. there seem to be no logical answers to these questions either. I have so many friends and family members who have been lighting candles this week. although incredibly sad, I think it’s incredibly important for people to tell their story if they wish and be open about how they feel. #EatSleepBlogRT
Emma me and b recently posted…Choosing a Primary School: Ofsted – What Does it Really Mean?
I couldn’t agree more. If you feel able to, opening up can be really helpful for yourself and others and I recommend to anyone who has been through this. Thanks for commenting x
Beautifully written. You will always be their mummy. Always! #bigpinklink
Oh how sad and beautiful, you have moved me to tears with this wonderfully written post. I am so sorry for your loss. xx #bigpinklink
Claire recently posted…Creepy Halloween Jelly Recipe!
There’s no answer, only a lot of questions. I’m so sorry. Thank you for writing so beautifully about your experience. I genuinely believe it helps a lot of people, it is something that we should be able to talk about. #TwinklyTuesday
Very beautiful and so well written, I feel for you and have been there too, you never forget but it doesn’t always hurt. Big hugs #TwinkleyTuesday
Fiona Cambouropoulos recently posted…First Jigsaw Puzzle ideal for 2 Year olds
Such a touching post, thanks for sharing. #TwinklyTuesday
So beautifully written! I cannot pretend to know how you feel but I just want to send you hugs. #TwinklyTuesdays
Tears are running down my face and on to keyboard, but still.. You wrote so beautifully of what I felt once..it seems like in another lifetime, now…Still, after all this years and two beautiful children and a loving husband, I think of him. My boy, that just wasn’t meant to be with me…
I feel so sad for you lovely. I cannot imagine the pain of losing something you never had but it being so raw. These posts will really help others and in time I hope the pain is slightly less. xx #twinklytuesday
Sarah Howe @runjumpscrap recently posted…Dressing my Newborn
My thoughts are with you. Loss is such a big thing to deal with. Miscarriage is a loss that isn’t really recognised by society either and there is nothing formal to help with it. Be really kind to yourself. I will be sharing this. Thank you. #TwinklyTuesday
Kirsten Toyne recently posted…Valuing Our Role As Parents
Such beautiful words expressing such emotion. Feeling your heartache. Life always gives us a number of questions that we simply have no answer for. But one thing is for certain, despite a hair colour, an eye colour, a face to a name…they were here, that small little thing made an impact – and to me that shows that life did begin. Big loves x #TwinklyTuesday
I love how you expressed thoughts that I was never able to put into words, years ago. Thank you. I pray for your healing and comfort.
Such a beautiful post. I wish your heart much healing and love xxx #Twinklytuesday
Oh hun, my heart breaks for you. I cannot imagine the pain and I hope you’re healing. Thinking of you. xx
Thanks for linking to #pocolo
Morgan Prince recently posted…Post Comment Love 28th – 30th October
This is so sad 🙁 you will always be that little someone’s mummy x
adventureswithmonster recently posted…Autumn so far……
Thank you, lovely. It’s hard but slowly getting easier x
I’m so sorry for your loss. This is beautifully written and an amazing awareness-raising post.
The Mum Reviews recently posted…I didn’t know blogging could change the world