Dear Someone

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Dear Someone

It’s me, it’s Mummy. Can I call myself that? Am I still your mother when you were never quite a person?

When does life begin? At the moment a cell is created? The moment a heartbeat bursts into life? Or is it not until the day you breathe earth’s air for the very first time?

Who knows? Except I know. You were someone. You were someone to me.

It took me a long time to find the courage to be ready for you. But I was ready, I think. I was ready to choose your name and hold you close. I was ready to face the unique agony of sleepless nights. I was ready to have a better birth and see your face and kiss your skin. I was ready to introduce you to a family who already loved you, to a big brother desperate to take care of you.

But I guess you weren’t quite ready.

In only a few short weeks I had pictured you a thousand times, in a thousand different ways. I’d wondered about your personality. I’d window-shopped clothes for you and imagined feeling you move.

But more than that. I had visualised you growing up beside your brother, completing our family and filling our hearts. I had tentatively allowed myself to consider the possibility that you might heal some of the hurt from my first early days of motherhood.

I had tried to hold back this runaway train of imagination. I had tried to be realistic and cautious. But how it that possible? When a tiny new life flickers inside how can you help but watch that life unfold?

When you left you took that vision of future with you, at least for now. But worse, you took you with you. Now we’ll never know. Were you a boy or a girl? Were you dark-haired or blonde? Were you confident like your brother or shy and reserved? What kind of life would you have had? Were you sick, broken or in pain? Was it you or me? We’ll never know.

All I have is one picture of you, taken from the inside. One test that proved you existed, at least for a while. And a few weeks of thoughts that seem less real with every passing day.

I miss someone I never even knew.

What makes someone, someone? Where do our souls come from and when do we receive them? On the inside or outside? Do I still get to meet yours in this life, are you waiting for another chance? Or are you gone now – drifting away on a peaceful breeze?

I am full of questions now, you see. But one will remain unanswered, and the pain of it will live in my heart forever, beside my almost-memory of you.


To find out more about Baby Loss Awareness Week (9-15th Oct) visit The Miscarriage Association.

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13 comments on “Dear Someone

  1. This is so beautiful and full of emotion. We will always be a Mummy to the babies we didn’t get the chance to meet, they were ours for however short a time and they will be ours always. Thank you as always for raising awareness of baby loss, it’s so important to keep talking about it. #PoCoLo
    five little doves recently posted…Autumn AdventuresMy Profile

    1. Thank you for your sweet words. I’m so incredibly grateful for my son as this heartbreak must be all the worse when you don’t have other children. But I still mourn that missing one. Thanks for reading xx

    1. I couldn’t agree more. If you feel able to, opening up can be really helpful for yourself and others and I recommend to anyone who has been through this. Thanks for commenting x

  2. There’s no answer, only a lot of questions. I’m so sorry. Thank you for writing so beautifully about your experience. I genuinely believe it helps a lot of people, it is something that we should be able to talk about. #TwinklyTuesday

  3. My thoughts are with you. Loss is such a big thing to deal with. Miscarriage is a loss that isn’t really recognised by society either and there is nothing formal to help with it. Be really kind to yourself. I will be sharing this. Thank you. #TwinklyTuesday
    Kirsten Toyne recently posted…Valuing Our Role As ParentsMy Profile

  4. Such beautiful words expressing such emotion. Feeling your heartache. Life always gives us a number of questions that we simply have no answer for. But one thing is for certain, despite a hair colour, an eye colour, a face to a name…they were here, that small little thing made an impact – and to me that shows that life did begin. Big loves x #TwinklyTuesday

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