I wrote back in November about my desire to have another baby. After experiencing such severe anxiety after Caterpillar’s birth, and a few times since, it has taken me several years to feel ready to have another baby. But after a lot of soul searching and discussions with Hubs we decided to follow our hearts and take that leap. I felt prepared this time and even wrote this letter to myself as a safety net.
I became pregnant in March of this year. I was in equal parts ecstatic and terrified, I had a couple of minor anxiety wobbles which I quickly dealt with. After a tiny bit of spotting we had an early scan at eight weeks and everything looked perfect – the baby was spot on in size and had a good strong heartbeat. After a tumultuous couple of months, where I had been worrying both about whether I could cope with another baby and about the pregnancy itself, I finally allowed myself to believe everything would work out okay. I had read that seeing a healthy heartbeat at eight weeks vastly reduces your chance of miscarriage so I began to relax.
Sadly, on 6th May, one day before the seemingly magical 12 week mark, I begin bleeding heavily and miscarried later that day. The shock and sadness almost knocked me off my feet and I finally understood the pain faced by millions of women every year.
Alongside the heartbreak, I was also utterly consumed by rage. Was I destined to never have a “normal” experience of motherhood? Between PND and miscarriage I began to question if nature or God or whatever brutal forces are at work were sending me a sign that parenthood clearly isn’t for me. The injustice of finally finding the courage to have another baby only to have that opportunity ripped from my body ravaged me until I could feel the heat of that anger in my veins.
Also, the terror. The fear that this awful experience would toss me back into the grips of anxiety and set me back to square one.
And for the total of two days it did.
Life looked dark, cruel, pointless, hopeless and unreal. I was anxious, sleepless and couldn’t bring myself to eat. My skin prickled and my heart raced and I couldn’t be still in the world. There was a deep pool of fear right in front of my feet begging me to dive in.
But I didn’t.
I saw my therapist. I read my old notes. I read my own blog posts. I wrote my three things every night. I stuffed my brain full of as many positive thoughts as I could find and allowed all the feelings – shock, sadness, disgust, guilt, anger and fear – to wash over me while I held tight onto Hubs, Caterpillar, my parents and my friends and cried. While I absorbed the support of countless women in my life who have been through the same.
And the anxiety drifted away. The threat to my mental health was squashed. The sadness and hurt remain. The desperate desire for another baby is stronger than ever. The feelings of anger still sometimes come at me like raging flames.
But I’m not unwell.
I miss my baby and my second chance at motherhood.
But I’m not unwell.
Every day is easier until there’s one that isn’t and then I ride that out and write down what I’m grateful for and begin a fresh the next day.
That expression “everything happens for a reason” is pretty nausea-inducing at the best of times and yet that doesn’t stop it being true sometimes. I experienced PND in order to become stronger, better person, in order to be more grateful and to live in the present. And countless other reasons.
And, similarly, I’m wondering if I lost this baby in order to realise how much I truly wanted it. To realise that anxiety will never stop me going for what is in my heart. To realise I have learnt enough about how my mind works to be able to fight off my demons.
To realise that I am 100% ready to have another baby in my arms, mental health be damned.
If you’ve experience a pregnancy loss and would like more information please visit www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk.
What Nobody Tells You About Miscarriage
Do You Ever Get Over Miscarriage?
70 comments on “Miscarriage after PND”
I’m so sorry for your loss and experience with PND but you sound as if you’ve turned a corner which is an inspiration to other suffererers out there. #pocolo
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I’m so sorry for your loss. Many people suffer miscarriage yet so few people talk about it. #pocolo
You are an incredible writer, Laura. You inspire me xxx
I am so sorry to hear of your loss and of your PND. I haven’t visited your blog before, but I have clearly been missing out. I suffered from panic attacks and anxiety after the loss of my father and it took almost 3 years before I found the help of a therapist. I also lost my first baby at 10 weeks in a missed miscarriage. Life certainly sends road bumps and sometimes they feel as high as mountains, but we are strong and the relationships with the people around us help us to be stronger. Sending you big hugs and lots of strength xxx
Laura: Adventures with J recently posted…Mummy Tag
I’m so so sorry to read this. It’s crap for you. But you got through those days so your strength and your hard work previously is shining through. I hope you get your rainbow baby. Xx #binkylinky
Sarah Howe @runjumpscrap recently posted…I Forgot About You
Love you, girl. I’m sorry to read this and that you’ve had to struggle more than most. I love how strong you are, though. It shines through your words. Prayers for you and yours.
I’m so sorry. Miscarriage is very hard. I’ve been there too. It’s true it’s a very common thing to happen but also not often really talked about openly. But you write beautifully about how it was for you, and it’s good that you can still find some meaning from it and gain an insight into how important having another baby is for you after going through this experience. I wish you all the very best. #PoCoLo
sorry for your loss. As a man I’m sure my experience was vastly different, but I remember it being a crushing time. Hearing from others who had been through it and realizing how common it actually is was very helpful in dealing with the loss. Wishing you the best #pocolo
jeremy@thirstydaddy recently posted…Being a Parent means Being an A-Hole
I too have been through severe PND and multiple miscarriages, and I am so sorry to hear that you have had to experience this too. However I have followed your blog since the start and I know what a strong, determined and resilient person you are. You will get through this. You will come out the other side a stronger person. Every day is a fresh start. Never give up hope. Lots of love xxx
I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how painful it is and thank you for sharing such personal experience. I think that that is the first step in healing actually.. sharing. #pocolo
Merlinda Little ( @pixiedusk) recently posted…Camouflage
So sorry for your lost but it looks like things are getting better stay strong Thanks for linking to the #binkylinky please come back next week
So sorry for your loss. It seems like you have tackled your feelings head on and not allowed it to take hold which is fantastic. You appear to be a strong person. Wishing you all the best x #KCACOLS
So sorry for your loss but you have positive manner shining though hope everything works out Thanks for linking to the #binkylinky
Emily recently posted…My Sunday Photo
I am so sorry to hear about the miscarriage and the PND, but your attitude is fantastic and you will get through it. Take care of yourself. Pen x #KCACOLS
Pen recently posted…Being a single mom has made me a commitment phobe
So pleased that you are ready for another baby.
Sad that it took a miscarriage for you to discover this.
A wonderful, honest and heartbreaking post.
Sorry for your loss and I hope you become a mother again soon.
Thanks for sharing. #binkylinky
Alan Herbert recently posted…My Sunday Photo 2
Thanks so much for your lovely kind words xx
I am so sorry for your loss and sending you big hugs. However, I love that you have taken a positive from this experience, in that you now know what you truly want so that is really good. Take care xxx
Emma recently posted…Goodbye July. Hello August, 2016
Thank you. I’m not positive every day but I try very hard xxx
Oh I should have put the hashtag #MarvMondays
Emma recently posted…Goodbye July. Hello August, 2016
sorry for your loss xx #bigpinklink
Thank you x
So sorry. I have miscarried too, between my first and second. It’s so hard but what really helped was to think that it wasn’t anything that I had done, but natures way of ensuring a non- viable pregnancy didn’t go to term. It’s so common but so heartbreaking. I’m truly blessed to have 3 and hope everything works out for you too xx #bigpinklink
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Thank you and I’m sorry you’ve also experienced MC xxx
I am so, so, so sorry to read this lovely. Sending you so much love. A beautifully written & poignant piece of writing #bigpinklink
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Thank you, lovely xx
I am so sorry for your loss but thank you for sharing your story. You are truly inspiring as you say this so eloquently ” I experienced PND in order to become stronger, better person, in order to be more grateful and to live in the present.” Beautiful message. #bigpinklink
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Thank you – they were certainly to two biggest things I’ve taken away from the experience xxx
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s such an awful thing to happen to anyone and the fact that you’re able to share your experience will hopefully help keep any anxiety at bay as you’re not isolating yourself and cutting off support networks (which is all too easy to do) x
Thank you, I hope so xxx
I am so sorry that you had to go through this. I too have suffered the pain of miscarriage and one day at a time is the only way I got through it. Thinking of you x #MarvMondays
Thank you, I’m sorry you have been through it too xxx
Oh my goodness what a post and what an experience. My heart goes out to you. You are brave and an inspiration. It takes a lot to face anxiety head on and work so hard to battle it. I really wish you all the best for the future xx Thanks so much for linking at #KCACOLS. Hope you can come back again next Sunday xx
Thanks so much for your lovely, kind words xxx
I’m really sorry for your loss, you are extremely brave to share this experience with others. A really honest post
Abby at http://www.peppermintcove.com
Thank you, I hope others may find it a little helpful xxx
I’m so sorry. I can’t begin to imagine the pain you must feel. It sounds like you’ve seen the silver lining in it all though. I hope you get your baby one day soon #KCACOLS
Thanks for your kind words and good wishes xxx
Tears on my eyes but I’m so pleased to read that you are finding a little bit of hope. Popping over from #marvmondays
Thank you xxx
Aw lovely, you sound so sad. I’m so sorry you;re going through all of this. Sometimes we have to sail the stormy seas to get to the beautiful shore on the other side. Let yourself feel sad and grieve, then pick yourself up and say ‘I won’t let this beat me’. Love and luck Tor xx #truthabout
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Thank you for your encouragement, means a great deal xxx
I’m sorry to hear of your loss. #MarvMondays
Thank you x
Sorry to hear of this happening to you. I have had a miscarriage, and for me personally, although it didn’t feel like it at the time, in hindsight it did bring me to where I am now, and I wonder whether if I had never miscarried I would have the child I have now. The answer is probably not. I’m not a great believer in fate or destiny, and your experiences are not the same as mine, but what I mean to say is that although it is hard now, you may look back on it differently in the future, and I am keeping my fingers crossed that you will have another chance and a happier outcome. #thetruthabout
Single Mum Speaks recently posted…What’s it like to be a Single Mother by Choice?
Thanks so much, I believe this too and try to hold onto that thought. You have encouraged me that this is the right way to think xxx
Wow, you are one brave Mama! So sorry for this deeply saddening experience. I loved your last line “To realise that I am 100% ready to have another baby in my arms, mental health be damned” .. Amen sister! xxx #KCACOLS
Thank you so much xxx
I am so, so sorry for your loss. I admire the way you handled your feelings, this must have been very difficult but it sounds like you did incredibly well.
Thank you. It’s a work in progress. I still have lots of woe-is-me days, for example right now when I’ve got my period so I’m out for another month, but I try to stay as positive as poss. Thanks for reading xxx
Oh mama, I am so heartbroken to hear about your loss. Words fail me in situations like these, but I truly am so very sorry your lost your little one. Yet, I am so so proud to hear of your strength! You are so incredible, and you will hold another baby in your arms <3 Lots of love #KCACOLS
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Thank you so much for your sweet, strength-giving words xxx
Hi lovely, I’ve visited from #pocolo, but back again from #MarvMondays. Such a heartfelt read and a really strong post. Thanks for linking up to #MarvMondays. Kaye xo
Thank you xxx
You are amazing. I read this post with sadness but by the end I felt like standing up and just shouting yes mama you are incredible. You are so strong and so powerful to come through all of that with grace and strength. I absolutely admire you. I’m so sorry for your loss and I pray that amother little baby is in your future #KCACOLS
Wow, thank you so much. What lovely words! Your comment has brought me a lot of strength xxx
So sorry to read about your experience Laura. Having read ‘the pursuit of happiness and how it’s making us anxious’ I have to say that I had lost a bit of faith in the healing power of positive thought. The author concludes that it is community rather than self-reflection that makes us happiest but reading this (and without implying that your fertility or the journey you are on is some kind of search for happiness as such) I think my faith is restored somewhat – I genuinely do believe that mantras and re-directing negative energy helps us to get through tough times whilst feeling like part of a community and that you’re not alone is also highly important to your healing process. Wishing all the luck in the world for the future. X #thetruthabout
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Thanks so much for reading and for your lovely comments. I totally believe both those things are vital – community and positivity. I was completely sceptical about the power of positive thought before I was ill and now I’m a total convert. Of course, no one can be positive all the time (another period this week means another month without my rainbow baby, for example) but overall positive thinking is extremely powerful. Thanks for reading xxx
I sympathize with you 100%, while I did not suffer from PND I did not have a normal pregnancy and then it was followed by a misscarriage. I am now nearing full term on my rainbow baby and it has not been an easy journy. I will not be having another one. But miscariare does not mean the end, when you’re ready you can try again if you wish. If not you already have a wonderful child. Hugs to you. #bigpinklink
I really should have proof read that
Thanks so much for your encouragement and congratulations on your rainbow baby xxx
Popping back from #bestandworst thanksso much for linking up this beautiful piece.
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I am so sorry for your loss honey. Give yourself time to grieve, let the sadness in. Feeling your pain will let you begin to heal. I hope you’re feeling better soon. Sending virtual hugs. xxx
Thanks for linking to #PoCoLo
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Thank you xx Some days are so hard but I’m getting there because I know so many other women share such a burden too xxx
Well done being so honest lovely. I am so sorry for your loss though hun xx big hugs xxx
Thank you x
Just popping back from #BloggerClubUK xxx
The Tale of Mummyhood recently posted…Renovations, Renovations!
So sorry for your loss. I’m amazed how you’ve managed to stay positive. X
Ellamentalmama recently posted…The Miscarriage
A very Important and brave post, thank you for sharing this for everyone who has gone through similar. Well done for staying so positive, sending a hug your way x
Thank you x
Thank you so much Laura for sharing this. big hugs