The Hardest Post I’ll Ever Write

Trigger Warning: This Post Contains Reference To Suicide & Suicidal Ideation

Until now the most challenging and nerve-wracking subject I’ve tackled is intrusive thoughts but today’s post is even more difficult to discuss. But given this platform I’ve created I do feel it’s vital that I speak about it because the very fact that I find it difficult says a great deal about the stigma that still surrounds this topic. I have the opportunity to discuss it here and I feel like I should.

The truth is, I have considered suicide.

That’s a shocking statement, isn’t it? Despite everything I’ve written about mental health and my postnatal depression experience, and all my bravado about speaking up, I still squirm and flinch typing out those words. Plus I’m sure many people reading this will feel the same sense of discomfort and I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry to my husband, parents and family reading those words and how it makes them feel. But it needs to be said. Suicide needs to be discussed to be prevented.

And it is a truly abhorrent concept, isn’t it? Whatever you believe in, the fact that we are here, living this life, is a true miracle. The idea that someone would consider ending that life, someone who has a child and a husband and a family who loves them, someone who lives in Western society and has plenty of money and a stable existence, is beyond imagination for many. It feels strange and criminal and unfathomable.

But not to me.

I’ve been to a place so dark, so frightening and so heartbreakingly inescapable that I no longer feel disbelief that someone could consider ending their own life. I believe it. I get it. I know that feeling well. Some places in your brain, once seen, cannot be unseen.

Whenever anyone questions the seriousness of anxiety I tell them “it was so bad I wanted to die” and that tends to hit home a little more. The sad fact is that conditions that affect our mind are so powerful, and so consuming, that sufferers can reach the point of suicide staggeringly quickly. Time slows down when you are suffering, so the thought of even one more minute can feel unbearable. By contrast, battling mental illness over many, many years can grind a person down more slowly – but ultimately to the same dreadful place.

Before 2013, the idea of suicide was utterly alien to me. I simply couldn’t imagine a situation where I would understand it.  Within weeks that person was long gone and I found myself thinking about it, imagining it, fearing it and wishing for it. But I was lucky. Incredibly lucky. I felt able to speak up. I told my husband and my doctor and my therapist how I felt. I got help quickly enough that the flame of hope stayed just bright enough for me to escape those thoughts before I got too close to putting them into action. Not everyone has someone. Not everyone can find their voice.

Not everyone is lucky.

Suicide is the leading cause of maternal death (defined as death any time during the year following giving birth). That is truly shocking. Outside of perinatal, the stats are even more shocking with suicide being the leading cause of death among all men aged 20 to 49 in the UK, leaving young men as the demographic most likely to die by suicide. And yet, despite this frequency, it’s still a taboo subject.

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. The charity Mind have decided this year to focus on three factors: connect, communicate and care which I think is so vital. If you want to find out more about what you can do to help someone, or to raise awareness and drag the darkness of suicide out of the dark visit the Mind website.

Suicide is not something that happens to other people. Being wealthy or seemingly happy or from a large, loving family does not mean you are immune from mental illness, or from suicide. I am proof of that. I don’t like to think about that time too much, and those terrifying thoughts I had of harming myself or putting myself in harms way, but I know sometimes I have to think about it. To remind myself how far I’ve come.

It’s almost unbearable to think there was a chance I could have missed my son growing up and everything wonderful that’s happened in my life during the last three years.

Sadly, others have missed out and we need to do more to prevent it.

Life of My Family & Me

41 comments on “The Hardest Post I’ll Ever Write

  1. Hi Laura
    I can appreciate how hard it was to write this and admire you for doing so. I often like your posts but can’t find the like button – so just wanted to tell you that I value your writing and respect your courage and openness.
    All the best

  2. A brave post to write and one that is very important to share. It’s amazing how a situation can change and the unimaginable becomes the imaginable. You are lucky to have a supportive next work and I’m glad you sought help Lucy x

  3. Such a brave post. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 20 and by the time I was 23 I had attempted suicide 4 times and was regularly self harming. And although I talk openly on my blog about so much I find it hard to talk about that. So many people think of suicide as a hideously selfish act. And I am sure that I felt that way once. But then I became so ill that I just wanted to die. And I feel desperately sad for anyone who feels that way too. And I just hope that they get the help they need before they pass the point of no return. Hugs Lucy xxxx
    Mrs H recently posted…Perinatal Mental Health #PNDAW16: It’s okay not to be okayMy Profile

    1. I’m so sorry you have been through that and thank you for sharing it here. It is so, so difficult to talk about because its almost impossible to understand unless you’ve been there. Sending love to you xx

  4. It is a really subject to write about, I know because I can’t. I never attempted suicide, but I thought about it and it scares me to this day that I ever thought I shouldn’t be here, there was a time where life felt way too hard. I lost my best friend to suicide though and I knew how much it hurt me and everyone who misses her to this day, so I fought extra hard to deal with anxiety I refused to let it beat me, but gosh it is hard! Mental illness is hard to understand when you haven’t been there. Thank you for sharing this xx #eatsleepblogRT

    1. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your own experience. I too find it utterly terrifying that I got anywhere close to that place. I’m so sorry about your best friend, that is heartbreaking xxx

  5. Such a brave post to write and one I can relate to absolutely. I have actually attempted it, years ago, in a very dark place and something I regret massively. At the time I felt desperate and like there was no other choice, something I now know was not true at all. I have considered it several times since then, mostly after my son died and I wanted to be with him, and yet I knew I could never leave behind my eldest, in that way he saved me. I have lost three friends to suicide since then, a shocking number, and seeing the pain they left behind reminds me of all the reasons why it’s so important I never get to that point again. Life can be tough but there is always help available if you reach out for it. #EatSleepBlogRT

    1. Thanks so much for reading and your kind message. I’m so sorry for the loss of your son and I completely admire your strength xxx

  6. Thank you for your courage and for sharing your inner most thoughts on a very sensitive subject. I have had 2 suicide attempts (that is the first time I have admitted that in the public sphere) and I still find it difficult to talk about.

    I totally agree that we need to talk about it more and I am glad that you are not having these terrible feelings anymore.

    Vikky x

    1. Oh Vikky I’m so sorry you got to that terrible stage, and huge well done for saying it here. I hope you continue to feel strong and happy. And thank you so much for reading and for your kind words xx

  7. There remains a huge stigma to suicide so thank you for writing this. When I was at school my friends father committed suicide, he had severe depression but the family made up a sto to cover it up. How awful for that family to be doubly punished like that! Such an important post. Thank you for sharing and for your honesty, I am sure you will have helped many people! Thank you for linking up to #ablogginggoodtime
    An imperfect mum (Catie) recently posted…A Blogging Good Time #16My Profile

  8. Such a hard post to write I can imagine but good on you for doing it! It’s really scary to think suicide is the leading cause of maternal death. I’m glad you have come out the other side and hopefully this post may help others to also.

    Amina xx #ablogginggoodtime

  9. This is an incredible post. It’s so important to raise awareness as it really can affect anyone. How lucky that you had such a good support network and you felt able to open up to them, it can’t have been an easy thing to admit but it was that courage that saved your life. Your bravery in opening up to everyone on here and helping others is truly inspirational x
    Alana – Burnished Chaos recently posted…10 Ways Kids Are Like Cats My Profile

    1. Thank you so much for your lovely, kind words. I do feel incredibly lucky and want to try to help others open up. Thanks for reading xx

  10. what an excellent post of something that if we haven’t experienced it, is alien. I love your honesty and can tell you have edited this a thousands times. it was worth every drop of effort, doubt, fear and anxious twitch that you may of felt. I hope you continue to share this and use mental health hashtags to reach a wide audience.
    adore it #eatsleepblogRT

  11. I think raising awareness and so frankly and bravely sharing your feelings is an amazing ad brave thing to do. I have struggled with anxiety since I was a teen and wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Over the years I have learnt to live alongside it. There is no shame in talking about it, I hope this post helps any one that is struggling #ablogginggoodtime
    Jade The Parenting Jungle recently posted…Why Does A 5 Year Old Not Listen? Explained By A 5 Year Old #Kidsreasoning #LittleslogicMy Profile

  12. You’re so brave to write this! My dad committed suicide, it’s something i hope to be able to find the words to write about one day, there’s just so many different emotions, whenever i think about writing i just get muddled up.

    Its so massively important to raise awareness, so well done to you, my dad was that typical middle aged man that would never have admitted to being depressed, or needing help, i honestly believe talking about it, getting other people talking about depression, suicide, mental health in all forms, is the best thing we can do to fight it.

    thank you for this post.
    donna recently posted…My Struggle with Lichen SclerosusMy Profile

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